Sticky Friends Who Are Meant To Be?

I realized that I am a very complicated person who thinks too much so often resulting in unexpected reactions towards life. I grow to like independence, in control, dominance and pride. Therefore, if anyone tries to 'stick' to me too closely, I will suffocate subconsciously.

Pat, whom I have know for almost 9 years came to me as my fated destiny. No matter how hard I tried to push her away - being sarcastic, deliberately ignore and block her on MSN, avoid her completely... she never lose hold on me. Somehow she will still circle around my life and provide a shinning torch to guide me through the darkness.

I also realized that I am indeed a very selfish person. I care not for others but only my own feelings. That is why I always try to deny the facts and avoid reality when I am in a total loss.

Another good example is Bunz. She loves to 'stick' to me in school. Once, she told me if she has to choose who to like in school, she would choose me! I felt that it was ridiculous because I have never learnt to love a person truly. I see only the faults of others and always eager to put blame on them. Pat and Bunz are great friends who are more concerned with their friends' well-being over themselves. I sincerely admired their positive attitudes towards friendship.

Now enters a 'sticky' guy - XH. This is a unique case only because XH is a guy. Being too close to him, makes me feel vulnerable and I hate that weakness of mine. I understand his need to be accompanied but it is getting out of control as he requires me to do things out of my way just for his sake. The problem with me is I tend to succumb to this guy's requests simply because I see the hope of this friendship in developing into something more or am I wrong?

Last week, XH asked me how to go to Zoo from AMK. I said I don't know and he kept pestering me to check the bus directory for him. I went to read his gal's blog and she went Zoo on Saturday 18/03/06. Today, he actually showed me his picture taken in the Zoo enthusiastically. I asked him casually, "You went to the Zoo?" He replied, "Yeah." That's the end of the Zoo conversation. My sister asked how could I be so petty over such trival matters? To me, it ain't a small issue but something of significance. He still likes that MY gal or rather MISSed her so much? If that is the case, I would have to stop persisting on my stand to like him. I am not the one who stays and waits for the other party unless I have ample reasons to do so.

During lunch walk-out, he asked me about my last Friday date with my online friend. Initially, I told him some parts of the story and pissed him with an abrupt end - the other parts are private emotions. It is a reverse psychology with him being irritated and I being happy. However, my character forbids me to keep the entire story to myself so eventually I told him everything! He was aggressive with all the questionings on my online friend's details such as does he own a car.

We didn't talk during lunch. I left him alone and played checkers deliberately with my MSN friend. This is when he became moody and started to find fault and argue with me. I was tired of doing my usual part of data entry and he suggested to exchange with me his job instead. Somehow he insisted that I should do alot for his job and kept complaining about my job being sucky. It is weird that he keeps picking on me and I know I can't win this debate with him if he intends to carry on so I chose silence.

We had alot intimate actions like touching and brushing each other accidentally today. Although I don't feel the intensity, I felt awkward. I confronted him regarding him trying to irritate me, he admited he is being emotional suddenly perhaps unhappy about something and surprisingly he does not know why? I told him to go home and reflect. LoLz.

I went gym so I am not taking the same bus with him. I already told him beforehand and just before leaving the office, he said loudly, "I want to go Kovan to buy burger. You going to accompany me right? I can give you the free coke. Anyway from Kovan to YCK is nearer." I was pretty surprised by his statement because he should know better than to suggest such option. Suddenly, I felt that he needs me in quite badly or rather wants me to be there with him.

I am confused. I am lost. The distinction line is blurred. Tell me I am wrong... I no longer believe in what is right...