What do I actually want?

Friday. 24/03/06
A day without the ever spontaneous Aries gal. The office is left with Taurus (Me), Libra, Virgo and Sagittarus.

Yesterday I did not come to work. On MSN, XH appeared to be sarcastic to me about my leave. Around 2.30pm, he actually questioned me if I am coming for work?

He was pretty happy to see my presence for work today. My hp was left on the table and I realized he has been aiming at it for quite some time before he decided to pick it up and explore. XH asked, "Where is the camera?", I expected this question and know his intention to see my photos. However, I told him that I am erased of my photos with only cartoons left in the hp. In the end, he just played with the camera.

I took his hp as a fair exchange. The gal's face is acting as the screensaver. The Zoo pictures were stored in his pictures gallery. Only him and the gal. So close. So happy. So fun. He knows what I am looking at and didn't bother to explain. I confirmed with him once again, "You like the gal?". The usual him would reply 'YES' but today he said he does not want to reply to this question. Being the sarcastic me, I commented, "You like simple gals (like that MY gal) right?". Surprisingly, XH was confused. I heard him mumbling that now he no longer know what kind of gals he likes?

Physical Interactions.
I don't know when these started but we have begin to touch or rather brush against each other quite frequently. Though there is no 'electric current' between us but somehow I felt intimate with him. I hope he feels that way too. Now XH revealed that he don't understand me esp. what I am thinking. I just responded that I am not a normal person and never will be. It will be difficult to understand me completely so don't even bother.

Lunch.
We draw lots to determine who will go with who for lunch. XH came to me enthusiastically but I sorta rejected him with this game of mine. I took Number 1 and he took 2 so we were separated. He told me directly that if I don't want to go lunch with him, it is fine and asked if this arrangement is permenant. The Libra gal seemed to be able to sense his insecurity and told him that once the Aries gal is back, we will go back to our usual arrangement. XH just left immediately.

At the end of the day, XH came to my computer and see which websites I went to curiously but no interesting discovery - same all boring sites. He was disappointed because he seemed to want to know what are my interests. He asked the Libra gal about her horoscope. Then he saw Mr Virgo and pointed to him rudely, "What is his horoscope?" I don't get it initially so he repeated this same remark twice. I felt that he was pretty irritated with Mr Virgo over some issues. I told XH that Virgo (Earth) and Taurus (Earth) complement well. While Aries (Fire) and Sagittarus (Fire) click and he resorted that he can click with anyone. I said to him that he can click better with the Aries gal than me.

My NEW strategy: Instead of always hiding and pushing him away from me I should be more proactive. Let down my pride and ego and go forward with him. I have to learn to 'stick' to him as before and protect this close attachment between us if I don't want to lose him.