My Confessions... God Knows...

I have bottled too much emotions inside me thus resulting in me always feeling lost and confused. Everytime I see XH, I feel like telling him everything. The confession day came earlier than I have expected - 30th March 2006.

The scenario goes like this:
Me: I have alot things to tell you.
XH: What?
Me: About me, you and most importantly my emotions.
XH: Is it what I am thinking?
Me: What are you thinking?
XH: Silent*
Me: I will tell you at the end of your attachment.
XH: Don't tell me it is what I am thinking?
Me: What are you thinking?
XH: Writes on a paper* - you like me urh?
Me: Maybe...

The most memorable phrases he said to me are as followed:
"I already said don't get too attached to me", "I am aware but never want to suspect" (my feelings for him), "Why do you want to like me esp. of our age difference?", "I am not totally oblivious to the situation though...", "I treat other gals in the similar manner too", " This is an infatuation", "In the 1st place, I already told you my situation" (he likes a gal), "Is this why you called me an As*hole?", "So now you are blaming me for you liking me?"......

Well as harsh as it seems, surprisingly the impact on me is pretty mild. I prayed to God that I sincerely want love and if XH isn't meant to be mine, please free me from this dilemma. The very next day, I woke up without any negative emotions. It appeared that my prayer has been answered somehow. For the entire week, I have been very spontaneous just like the Aries gal. XH finds me weird and strange in terms of my sudden change in dress code and attitude. I told him that this is the real me.

I became the usual me who will debate with XH and no longer compromise too much for his sake. Things appear to be clearer now... I used to lose myself in this 'friendship' of ours and I am glad I found myself back again. XH and I talked through things like what I like and don't like about him but he didn't really comment much on me. This is my first time to have a direct face-to-face confession to a guy even to the extent of explaining everything!

Maybe we can be great buddies if I didn't feel and expect so much from XH. Perhaps what we are lacking is the 'special feeling' towards each other - Chemistry. A platonic relationship between a gal and a guy is almost impossible unless one party is over the other. XH has grown distant from me and more reliant towards the Aries gal. Maybe it is a wiser choice because he, himself does not even know what he wants.

[Your free-spiritedness in a prior life has led to a certain lack of focus in your current life. In a prior life, you allowed yourself follow your heart wherever it led you. You loved all kinds of people, delighting in experiencing the feeling of intimacy with people quite unlike yourself.

You still possess that love of throwing yourself into a new relationship with someone completely different from you. For you, falling in love is a learning lesson. You learn from your partner and the experience of the relationship itself, which is wonderful. You are likely to be attracted to people not only quite unlike yourself, but also unlike one another.]

The End of a Relationship Signifies The Beginning of Another.