Game over... Awaiting a new challenge?

This entire week was tiring me out both physically and mentally. XH appeared to be in a major confusion because he did too many things just to get my attention. I used to be clear about the situation between him and me but he almost dragged me into the confused stage with me. Irritating.

Tuesday 25/04/06
It rained heavily after work. XH was looking for a portable umbrella and can't find one. He suggested that I shelter him over to his bus stop instead. I agreed. When we went down, he saw a lady stuck in the rain. He volunteered to shelter her to the nearest bus stop. I was surprised. He is a nice but somehow I still think he is a selfish guy. He came back for me and we went to his opposite bus stop. Instinctively, I tugged my arm around his arm and he allowed me to do so. We were so close, almost a couple but not yet together.

He promised me to give me a treat for my efforts but I think he sorta forget all about it now...

Thursday 27/04/06
He complained that his shoes stinked so I actually brought my shoe freshener for him! He said: "It's lame but thanks..." I know that he was touched by my action. LoLz. That's my intention - To show that I care for him.

Friday 28/06/06
My half day before I go for my Martell training. XH wore casual clothings with a cap. He wanted me to see the 'real' him?

Three Obvious Actions:

1. Took off cap and his hair appeared messy. He was embarrassed and replaced cap to hide.
2. He deliberately took and wore my jacket with an excuse of being cold. The jacket seemed to belong to him then.
3. When he knew I gotta leave, he asked everyone to play card game esp. me. Sounded like he is trying to make me stay and delay my departure.

Too much sensitivity... What's real and what's not?

During this entire week, XH behaved differently towards me. He asked me: "Do you think I am rough? I mean am I rough to you? Do you think I am vulgar to you?" WTH... why does he even bother when he ain't interested in me?

Monday 10/04/06
Surprisingly, being the private guy he usually was, he actually told me that he will be going out on two days for this week.

Friday 14/04/06 - Meet up with the MY gal => I was stunned for a moment because he never wanna tell me anything about her. Now he actually volunteered to tell me???
Saturday 15/04/06 - Go for his buddy's birthday.

Then I saw him surfing a gal's blog and when he saw me looking, he immediately clarify that he don't know the gal and was at that site by chance. I felt weird esp. his anxious attitude to clear things up when I didn't even suspect anything. As XH deals with suppliers, a China lady supplier sent her picture via MSN to XH and said she hopes to talk to him after work for leisure. Although XH showed me her picture, he was hesitant or somehow unsure of something. After which, he deleted her picture instantly and I don't understand why.

Tuesday 11/04/06
He cut his hair. The best part is the moment he came into the office, he stood infront of me. I didn't realize that until he walked away. I followed him out of the office and commented that he got nice haircut. He was pleasantly surprised and looked intentively at me. I feel that he wants to get my 'approval' on his new hair style. I must admit he did look very afresh with this short and spiked hair style.

He was stressed up with his job scope so he became moody. As a supposedly good friend of his, I gave him my full company for the entire day. I accompanied him for lunch and sat beside him like before. It has become the world for the two of us again.

Thursday 13/04/06
We had KFC for lunch and we talked about BGR. XH kept saying he likes the MY gal and everything about her to us. I am disappointed because he always failed me and my expectations. Everytime I gave him a chance, he will ruin it somehow. I am hopeless towards this relationship or rather I doubt anything could come out of it.

XH kept pestering me for my phone to listen to Fort Minor - Believe Me but I know it's just an excuse to see my picture gallery. In the end, he confronted me by saying he lent me see his phone before. I told him it was like one month ago and I already showed him my phone before. He was speechless. Interestingly, he actually mentioned that I looked at his pictures using the zoom function?

I am clear-minded but desperately struggling very hard not to cross the distinction line between friends and lovers again. Someone is supposed to deposit a paper bag at the Traffic Police and we played games to determine who go with who. I was selected first and Aries gal withdrew, leaving XH and Libra gal to challenge to accompany me. Somehow I was irritated by the confusion so I offered to go on my own instead. Libra gal told XH to go with me and he was hesitant. I told him to get up quickly and go together with me. XH was awkward and he replied: "I thought you didn't want me to go along?"

We went to the Traffic Police and he was really weird on the way back. We stood at the side-walk of the road for quite some time because he didn't want to cross. He said we should have sat down there instead. I don't understand what he is trying to tell me. In the end, we crossed the traffic light and walked the slightly longer way back to office.

XH's friend, Long called him. Aries gal picks up and XH asked her to talk to his friend for some stupid reasons. Then I heard the most intriguing conversation which confirmed I wasn't over-reacting towards the previous MSN issue.

Long: So the gal who talked to me is her? (Assumed question)
XH: No, not this one... just good friend (Refering to Aries gal)

XH: My phone is spoilt. Last time I need the phone badly but now no need already. Haha...

Libra gal took an ugly picture of XH and when she wanted to show me, XH almost stopped her. I was pretty surprised that he actually care about what I think of him in terms of appearance. I took a picture of Mr Virgo openly. XH was silent for quite some time. When we are about to leave, he was the last to pack and displayed hints of unhappiness. I saw his desktop filled with so many documents. I suggested that he re-arranged them to make it appeared neater. The very last time I told him about his messy desktop, he ignored me. This time round he allowed me to create a folder to contain all his files.

During the bus journey back home, XH told me alot things about him, his life and his brother. I wonder if we have communication breakdown or am I really deaf because I don't seem to be understanding what he is saying to me. I have to act enthusiastic even when I can't hear properly. It's a hard acting job and I sincerely feel that we don't click esp. on the topics we talked. XH is fun and charismatic but I don't feel comfortable telling him about my personal stuffs. Maybe because I still feel a distance between the two of us, instead I would prefer Mr Virgo's listening ear.

Just 3 Words: Weird, Weirder & Weirdest!

After that confession to XH, things become slightly unexpected for me. XH begins to attach to me again. It is a weird feeling because he already know I liked him before and now he wants us to go back to our original 'confused' relationship? Impossible!

Tuesday 04/04/06
I was irritated by him as usual and I told him that we have got a barrier in-between us so we don't click. During lunch, I went out with Mr Virgo enthusiastically and XH gave me a blank stare. I came back and sat beside Mr Virgo complaining that I was sleepy and some other intimate actions. I thought XH heard it and I went over to his place, he was on MSN with his buddy.

Long: So how is she reacting?
XH: Like shit

That was an intriguing conversation and by chance I witnessed it. After which, he gave me a stern look telling me to scram off as it is PRIVATE. At that very moment, I felt very strongly they were discussing about me. Of course, there is also a high possibility that I am over-reacting and too sensitive towards the situation. I doubt he would reply 'Like shit' about that MY gal's reactions. The only 'she' which can get on his nerves is me. No idea if this is a good or bad thing afterall.

It is always chance that made us become closer or rather back to square one. When I was about to enter the pantry, XH was inside in total darkness. I gave him a shock and we start to talk normally again. He brought me into the warehouse and we explored the area. Then he taught me how to play darts. We had an open conversation about our differences and became happy with each other once again.

We went to play pool. Although it was Mr Virgo who taught me how to play pool, XH was the one who accompanied me through my practice. He gave me valuable tips and assurance. I was impressed by his attitude towards me and superb pool skills. Oh the best part... we shared the same drink on the same bottle - Jim Beam Cola. Let's just call it indirect kissing somehow.

Wednesday 05/04/06
XH was sick. He took half-day leave and I actually placed my hand on his forehead twice to feel the temperature. Ironically, I felt likeI am having a mother-child relationship with him.

Thursday 06/04/06
XH continued sticking to me and even worst, teasing me. I was doing my work well when my seating position lowered because XH came and stepped on my chair's peddler. Next, he asked me to gave him money exchange for $2 note. I told him I only have $10 and he snatched it away mischievously. These days he loved to give me 'surprise attacks' by creeping up to me silently and when I turn, he is just a face away from me.

Friday 07/04/06
I was pretty awkward when XH gave me a question - Why do I always behave like this when I am with you? I don't treat other gals like I treat you... I am not myself when being with you. I think I really treat you as a boy. I was stunned for a moment. What does he mean?

I said he was mean to me and he denied it. I was already pretty unhappy with him for irritating me. However, I still continue to help him out with his stuffs. He came up to me and told me 'Thank You' and he said he meant it. Then he went to sit and talk with the Aries gal. I felt even worst. I went over to Mr Virgo's seat and stucked myself there. I went to toilet, XH came after me?!? I heard a loud 'HELLO' when he went into the gents. Then after he went out, another 'HELLO'. This time I saw him and we walked back to the office. I don't think he really used the toilet because it was a fast 3 minutes.

The moment we opened the door, the chairs are in our view. XH actually sat down on one of them and directed me to sit down too. He said to me, "We need to talk." I was in a shock as too many things happened before I can recognize them. How does he know I am unhappy about him? Why does he care so much? What is our relationship? Unfortunately, our impending talk was disrupted by the Aries gal.

We went to Boss's house and I tried to avoid contact with XH. It was weird. The more I avoid, the more I will be stucked with XH. The Boss's car was cramped with 4 of us siting behind. I didn't want to sit beside XH but the gals went in first so I am positioned beside him. We are damn close physically; literally sticking to each other in the car. Although I don't feel any special feelings, it was a weird experience.

At Boss's house, XH was a hot favourite as he was so lively and humourous. He entertained everyone. Before leaving, he told Boss that he enjoyed the stay and he actually managed to be his usual self. He spoke very loudly while looking at me! WTF... what is he trying to tell me? I think I have become deaf, blind and dumb towards XH.

My Confessions... God Knows...

I have bottled too much emotions inside me thus resulting in me always feeling lost and confused. Everytime I see XH, I feel like telling him everything. The confession day came earlier than I have expected - 30th March 2006.

The scenario goes like this:
Me: I have alot things to tell you.
XH: What?
Me: About me, you and most importantly my emotions.
XH: Is it what I am thinking?
Me: What are you thinking?
XH: Silent*
Me: I will tell you at the end of your attachment.
XH: Don't tell me it is what I am thinking?
Me: What are you thinking?
XH: Writes on a paper* - you like me urh?
Me: Maybe...

The most memorable phrases he said to me are as followed:
"I already said don't get too attached to me", "I am aware but never want to suspect" (my feelings for him), "Why do you want to like me esp. of our age difference?", "I am not totally oblivious to the situation though...", "I treat other gals in the similar manner too", " This is an infatuation", "In the 1st place, I already told you my situation" (he likes a gal), "Is this why you called me an As*hole?", "So now you are blaming me for you liking me?"......

Well as harsh as it seems, surprisingly the impact on me is pretty mild. I prayed to God that I sincerely want love and if XH isn't meant to be mine, please free me from this dilemma. The very next day, I woke up without any negative emotions. It appeared that my prayer has been answered somehow. For the entire week, I have been very spontaneous just like the Aries gal. XH finds me weird and strange in terms of my sudden change in dress code and attitude. I told him that this is the real me.

I became the usual me who will debate with XH and no longer compromise too much for his sake. Things appear to be clearer now... I used to lose myself in this 'friendship' of ours and I am glad I found myself back again. XH and I talked through things like what I like and don't like about him but he didn't really comment much on me. This is my first time to have a direct face-to-face confession to a guy even to the extent of explaining everything!

Maybe we can be great buddies if I didn't feel and expect so much from XH. Perhaps what we are lacking is the 'special feeling' towards each other - Chemistry. A platonic relationship between a gal and a guy is almost impossible unless one party is over the other. XH has grown distant from me and more reliant towards the Aries gal. Maybe it is a wiser choice because he, himself does not even know what he wants.

[Your free-spiritedness in a prior life has led to a certain lack of focus in your current life. In a prior life, you allowed yourself follow your heart wherever it led you. You loved all kinds of people, delighting in experiencing the feeling of intimacy with people quite unlike yourself.

You still possess that love of throwing yourself into a new relationship with someone completely different from you. For you, falling in love is a learning lesson. You learn from your partner and the experience of the relationship itself, which is wonderful. You are likely to be attracted to people not only quite unlike yourself, but also unlike one another.]

The End of a Relationship Signifies The Beginning of Another.