What do I actually want?

Friday. 24/03/06
A day without the ever spontaneous Aries gal. The office is left with Taurus (Me), Libra, Virgo and Sagittarus.

Yesterday I did not come to work. On MSN, XH appeared to be sarcastic to me about my leave. Around 2.30pm, he actually questioned me if I am coming for work?

He was pretty happy to see my presence for work today. My hp was left on the table and I realized he has been aiming at it for quite some time before he decided to pick it up and explore. XH asked, "Where is the camera?", I expected this question and know his intention to see my photos. However, I told him that I am erased of my photos with only cartoons left in the hp. In the end, he just played with the camera.

I took his hp as a fair exchange. The gal's face is acting as the screensaver. The Zoo pictures were stored in his pictures gallery. Only him and the gal. So close. So happy. So fun. He knows what I am looking at and didn't bother to explain. I confirmed with him once again, "You like the gal?". The usual him would reply 'YES' but today he said he does not want to reply to this question. Being the sarcastic me, I commented, "You like simple gals (like that MY gal) right?". Surprisingly, XH was confused. I heard him mumbling that now he no longer know what kind of gals he likes?

Physical Interactions.
I don't know when these started but we have begin to touch or rather brush against each other quite frequently. Though there is no 'electric current' between us but somehow I felt intimate with him. I hope he feels that way too. Now XH revealed that he don't understand me esp. what I am thinking. I just responded that I am not a normal person and never will be. It will be difficult to understand me completely so don't even bother.

Lunch.
We draw lots to determine who will go with who for lunch. XH came to me enthusiastically but I sorta rejected him with this game of mine. I took Number 1 and he took 2 so we were separated. He told me directly that if I don't want to go lunch with him, it is fine and asked if this arrangement is permenant. The Libra gal seemed to be able to sense his insecurity and told him that once the Aries gal is back, we will go back to our usual arrangement. XH just left immediately.

At the end of the day, XH came to my computer and see which websites I went to curiously but no interesting discovery - same all boring sites. He was disappointed because he seemed to want to know what are my interests. He asked the Libra gal about her horoscope. Then he saw Mr Virgo and pointed to him rudely, "What is his horoscope?" I don't get it initially so he repeated this same remark twice. I felt that he was pretty irritated with Mr Virgo over some issues. I told XH that Virgo (Earth) and Taurus (Earth) complement well. While Aries (Fire) and Sagittarus (Fire) click and he resorted that he can click with anyone. I said to him that he can click better with the Aries gal than me.

My NEW strategy: Instead of always hiding and pushing him away from me I should be more proactive. Let down my pride and ego and go forward with him. I have to learn to 'stick' to him as before and protect this close attachment between us if I don't want to lose him.

Weird Weather, Weird People

It's surprising that everytime I wanna give up on XH something positive will crop up. These few days I am suffering from my usual PMS moodiness.

Lunch. We went down and saw it's raining. We returned to office in search of umbrellas. I found mine, he can't find any available ones. In the end, we shared ONE small foldable umbrella. He suggested to go the nearest coffee shop but somehow he changed his mind to the further outlet. I was taken aback because I didn't expect him to suggest such an option. He was unsure if he had spoken the right thing so he changed back to his original stand. I told him I have nothing to eat at the nearest coffee shop so maybe we can try the further one. He was happy.

The best part of this episode - When we struggled to reach the coffee shop, the rain stopped abruptly. The sun came out. Back at the office, the others have already prepared umbrellas which we can't find initially. I feel that everything seemed like pre-planned.

Throughout the journey, we kept brushing against one another and our proximity is so close that we can almost kiss each other on the cheek. I know he felt pretty uneasy but I was indifferent to the situation as I don't feel the intensity between us. It wasn't as romantic as I thought it would be walking in the rain.

No matter how hard I tried to ignore, avoid and dislike him, eventually we will still be back in a circle. I hate the weather. I hate his indecisiveness. I hate my complication.

Irony of Situations.

Irony is defined as something which opposes reality and does not match expectations. This is what I get from digging my past literature notes. I seriously missed my good old critical literature days in JC as this is the only time when sarcasm is recognized as a virtue. LoLz.

I love using irony in my daily life and it comes in many different forms - Verbal, situation, dramatic, tragic, zeugma and understatement. Effects and uses of irony are to create humour, arouse interest, exaggerate, compare and contrast, show the negativity and truth of things and provide different perspectives of things.

I realized I have been writing too many long essays about me and XH so now I am trying to make it a challenge to keep this entry Short and Sweet =)

1st: I am a GIRL and it is obvious from my physical appearance but XH loves to term me as 'dude' or 'man'. He even treats me like a male sometimes. Don't tell me it's a joke because it ain't funny esp. from the guy I like.

2nd: The answer to why XH likes the MY gal is because she is simple yet complicated. Can't he see me as being a very simple to the extent of almost revealing everything abt myself to strangers? Somehow, I have so much thoughts and emotions that I became a complicated person to be with.

3rd: XH wants to hold onto the MY gal and yet continue to stick to me as a 'Good' friend. He asked me in a jokingly manner if he is an Assh*le. I replied, 'YES', he was terribly upset and pestered me to tell him the reason. He said we are good friends but I told him straight I never wanted to be his good friend. He compromised that at least we are friends while I remarked that there is even no need to tell him anything more. I wonder if he is inexperienced with gals or I am a superb actress.

4th: From the toilet back to the office entrance, I told myself if I can take 50 steps to reach the exact spot - XH and me will have a happy ending. When I reached my 22nd step, I already knew it is impossible as the maximum steps that can be taken are about 40 steps. Suddenly the main character appeared in my view. He disrupted my countings and I gave up this little mind game of mine.

This is a just feeling which grows with time. A feeling so true, so real that due to the lonely situation, we met and relied on one another. Even if the guy I met wasn't you, the ending will still be the same. How true can this statement be?

Sticky Friends Who Are Meant To Be?

I realized that I am a very complicated person who thinks too much so often resulting in unexpected reactions towards life. I grow to like independence, in control, dominance and pride. Therefore, if anyone tries to 'stick' to me too closely, I will suffocate subconsciously.

Pat, whom I have know for almost 9 years came to me as my fated destiny. No matter how hard I tried to push her away - being sarcastic, deliberately ignore and block her on MSN, avoid her completely... she never lose hold on me. Somehow she will still circle around my life and provide a shinning torch to guide me through the darkness.

I also realized that I am indeed a very selfish person. I care not for others but only my own feelings. That is why I always try to deny the facts and avoid reality when I am in a total loss.

Another good example is Bunz. She loves to 'stick' to me in school. Once, she told me if she has to choose who to like in school, she would choose me! I felt that it was ridiculous because I have never learnt to love a person truly. I see only the faults of others and always eager to put blame on them. Pat and Bunz are great friends who are more concerned with their friends' well-being over themselves. I sincerely admired their positive attitudes towards friendship.

Now enters a 'sticky' guy - XH. This is a unique case only because XH is a guy. Being too close to him, makes me feel vulnerable and I hate that weakness of mine. I understand his need to be accompanied but it is getting out of control as he requires me to do things out of my way just for his sake. The problem with me is I tend to succumb to this guy's requests simply because I see the hope of this friendship in developing into something more or am I wrong?

Last week, XH asked me how to go to Zoo from AMK. I said I don't know and he kept pestering me to check the bus directory for him. I went to read his gal's blog and she went Zoo on Saturday 18/03/06. Today, he actually showed me his picture taken in the Zoo enthusiastically. I asked him casually, "You went to the Zoo?" He replied, "Yeah." That's the end of the Zoo conversation. My sister asked how could I be so petty over such trival matters? To me, it ain't a small issue but something of significance. He still likes that MY gal or rather MISSed her so much? If that is the case, I would have to stop persisting on my stand to like him. I am not the one who stays and waits for the other party unless I have ample reasons to do so.

During lunch walk-out, he asked me about my last Friday date with my online friend. Initially, I told him some parts of the story and pissed him with an abrupt end - the other parts are private emotions. It is a reverse psychology with him being irritated and I being happy. However, my character forbids me to keep the entire story to myself so eventually I told him everything! He was aggressive with all the questionings on my online friend's details such as does he own a car.

We didn't talk during lunch. I left him alone and played checkers deliberately with my MSN friend. This is when he became moody and started to find fault and argue with me. I was tired of doing my usual part of data entry and he suggested to exchange with me his job instead. Somehow he insisted that I should do alot for his job and kept complaining about my job being sucky. It is weird that he keeps picking on me and I know I can't win this debate with him if he intends to carry on so I chose silence.

We had alot intimate actions like touching and brushing each other accidentally today. Although I don't feel the intensity, I felt awkward. I confronted him regarding him trying to irritate me, he admited he is being emotional suddenly perhaps unhappy about something and surprisingly he does not know why? I told him to go home and reflect. LoLz.

I went gym so I am not taking the same bus with him. I already told him beforehand and just before leaving the office, he said loudly, "I want to go Kovan to buy burger. You going to accompany me right? I can give you the free coke. Anyway from Kovan to YCK is nearer." I was pretty surprised by his statement because he should know better than to suggest such option. Suddenly, I felt that he needs me in quite badly or rather wants me to be there with him.

I am confused. I am lost. The distinction line is blurred. Tell me I am wrong... I no longer believe in what is right...

I am a Cusp - Taurus/Gemini - Stubborn with Split Personality

From the day I learnt about horoscopes, I have assumed myself being a 100% Taurean with no doubt of any signs of Gemini. It was till recently I chanced upon a website by ivillage which presented the information of cusps. I am born on 19th May, just 2 days away from falling into the star sign - Gemini. However, a cusp possesses the energy of the two signs so I am not a typical Taurean.

A Taurean is satisfied with routine life and never like changes. I am different, I can't stand doing the same things for a long time and always try to explore new adventures. Sometimes I appeared to be nice and friendly, on the other times, I am just plain mean and irritating to people. Ironically, what Pat said about XH being a mixture of Sagittarus & Capricorn (Cusp) is now applicable to me being a mixture of Taurus & Gemini (Cusp). Cusps are the worst signs because they do not have a distinct nature and no true identity.

Wednesday 15/03/06
The two attachment gals came into the office this week. Initially XH was pretty reluctant to approach them but when I told him the gals thought of us being a love relationship, he was frustrated. He kept asking me what should he do to change the situation. I replied calmly that there is nothing he can do. He did the most unexpected thing. He went to talk to the new gals voluntary and explained his situation and us as a pure friendship.

It is a true explanation but somehow I was disappointed because I always thought our relationship is something more than friendship. That particular day, I ignored him and decided not to follow him to Kembangan MRT though he had reminded me to follow him the day before. I deliberately went up to him and said, "Can I don't follow you to Kembangan MRT today?" He just replied casually, "Sure, I am fine going myself."

Then on the bus journey, he did not bother about me. He just keep talking to the new attachment gal. I was slient for quite some time before I decided to ask him again, "Do you need me to follow you to Kembangan MRT?" He looked pretty irritated and replied, "No need." The second time I tried to ask the same question, this time his response was even more agitated than the previous one, "Do you think I am a baby? I don't need anyone to follow me!" I was taken aback as he was practically shouting and the bus passengers were looking at us. Finally before reaching my stop, I made my final request of accompanying him and he said straight in my face that now it is me who wants to stick to him. I agreed without hesitant but he refused my request so I alighted.

Thursday 16/03/06
Results were out at Wed's midnight. I achieved all Bs, was pretty happy but slightly disappointed because I have not managed to get As. Anyway I msged XH on the release of results. No reply. Today XH did not come to work and one of the attachment gal seemed pretty interested in him. She asked me if I felt different w/o XH in the office, if XH plays mahjong and more on his personal life... I can sense that she has an interest for XH.

I thought XH may be angry with me so he decided not to come and fortunately he came ard 2.30pm - half day? Haha... what a funny guy! He came into the office with a crumpled shirt and looked disgustingly informal. He was his usual self towards me - bubbly, lively and talkative. Out of sudden, he typed a msg on his hp and showed me regarding his foreigning of sickness, not to tell anyone.

I took his hp and tell him that he should have taken a full day leave instead and took this chance to apologise to him. When he saw the msg, he gave me a fake shock look but took my apology anyway =) It was a sweet moment esp. when I next tried to msg him that one of the attachment gal seemed to be attracted to him and sent that msg to his friend Ash accidentally. I told him so and he smiled in a pleasant way w/o blaming me. I also saw the results I sent to him still available in his hp.

Surprisingly, we became a close pair again. The two gals and I were helping out with the lanyards in the room and XH came in to ask me to accompany him to buy drinks. We asked the gals what they want to drink then when I was about to go off with XH, the interested attachment gal asked me in puzzled tone, "You are also going too?" I felt it was a weird question somehow.

When XH and me were buying drinks, he told me he will not like people easily and even if the gal is Miss Singapore, he won't like her? Perhaps he is hinting to me that he does not fancy the attachment gal. By the way, XH does not go for looks when liking a gal and he definitely has a fetish for gals who wear pants than skirts. No wonder, twice I was commented unsuitable when I wear skirts by XH =P

P.S. XH asked me if I have forgotten to bring my hp today and I already knew he msged me sth. True enough, when I got back my repaired hp, XH sent me two msgs in the morning but I can't reply.

Friday 17/03/06
Yesterday was pretty easy day at office because I was in-charge to complete lanyards in the room all day long. XH joined the production with us not long after. He sat beside me and kept complaining about this boring job. Then the gals started to ask XH on has he had any gfs before and strangely XH looked at me for answer? He actually kicked me under the table for my help! In the end, I told the gals, he never had a gf but liked gals before. XH managed to talk to the gals pretty well and they like his company.

During lunch break, I told them - the 2 gals + XH to go for break together so that I and mr Virgo will go together instead. XH suggested that I and him go together for lunch first then the 2 gals and Mr Virgo. LoLz. What a twist of situation!

I told XH I will be meeting a online friend for movie after work, he was taken aback and commented that online pple are desperate, nerdy, weird and pervertic. He displayed a very negative attitude regarding this matter. When we were in office, we touched on online issue again so I told him casually I met alot online friends before and the worst took me to Mt. Faber. I re-enact the whole scene on XH, clasping one of his hands to demostrate the intensity of the situation. He looked fine with my acting but somehow I feel that there is awkwardness present in him.

We went back to the room to do the lanyard production, he asked about my date again and commented alot of absurd things on the guy infront of the two gals. I did not defend myself and the interested gal actually come into my defence. That is how bad XH has put my online friend into. My online friend msged me, XH saw and tried to peep at what is written. It was funny because this shows that he is curious and wants to know. I told him I will not be following him back hom and he said I could have taken MRT to Kovan with him as it is faster. Infact, it is a longer journey.

In the room, XH always try to show that he knows me well if not I know better. Small talks like, "See Serene, I know you so well", and gestures like suddenly asking me for my hp so that he can listen to Fort Minor - Believe Me, can buffle the 2 gals on our relationship.

These days I am seriously wondering if I am over-reacting to things or XH is gruadually losing himself in this relationship with me. Yes, I know XH finds me a good company so he tends to 'cling' to me but it became a habit so much that he ain't used to go alone even with others. Is XH the one for me? I like him alot but I, too have begin to doubt myself and this 'friendship' of ours.

Uncertainty kills everything - neither here nor there?

I think I am the dumbest gal in the world.

I have the intuition and sensitivity which is 99% accurate and 1% doubt about people and my surroundings. They can be considered my good characteristics but at times they can appeared to be scary - too real. Like a story, I can foretell the beginning, middle - climax but not the ending when I meet a certain guy. In the end, I keep falling for the same old tragic kind of love story several times. I wonder now if this upcoming relationship will have a happy ending?

I live in the North but surprisingly I was posted to the East for attachment. I was terribly upset with the location because it is so inconvenient. However, when I realized that there will be another marketing guy with me in that company, I begin to think that he may be someone special. Indeed, XH can click with me very well and accepts me to be me. I enjoy debating with him in the boring office and his high tolerance towards my criticisms. He has an astrology mixture of Sagittarius and Capricorn. Pat said he has the Sagittarius (indecisiveness) and Capricorn (accomodating). Besides him, Mr Virgo is there and of course, he is a Great guy to have around the office =)

Although XH is in love with a MY gal who has a bf for 1.5 years, I don't know if this is so called Fate... the whole scenario seems to go for me. The gal is currently stuck in MY and when XH has finished his attachment and back to school, the gal will go for hers. There is slight chance of meeting up and direct contact. On the contrary, I have to face him from Monday - Friday, from 8.30am to 6pm without fail for 2 months. The company is small so he is sitting directly beside me and we go for lunch together, sometimes even board the same bus home together. We became an inseparable pair. XH is 3 years younger than me and he tends to follow my actions indirectly. If I buy fish porridge for lunch today then he will try the same food tomorrow. LoLz.

Last Friday I asked XH if he still likes the MY gal, he told me it's LOVE. I almost fainted. That answer has spoilt my entire mood. Yesterday (Monday), he was talking on MSN with his gal and out of sudden he asked me the price of the UnderWater World tickets. I checked the price and finally forced him to confess that he wanted to bring her for the trip. I cannot take it anymore... I can understand it ain't a one day thing to give up and forget a gal whom you have wooed for 1.5 years but must he be so hard on me? If it's him and his MY gal who are going, then why do I have to be involved in the slightest way? XH's answer: I am his good friend. WTF.

I became pretty agitated so I told him that I hope that the 2 other attachment gals will enter the company soon and the office will be fun. He immediately responded: So you mean I am a boring company to you? I took it as a sarcastic joke so I played along. However, after a while he suddenly apologised to me: Hey Serene, sorry if I have bored you before. This time the whole atmosphere is different. He sounded pretty disappointed and sincere though I am unsure if it contains sarcasm. I was taken aback because he even questioned me if I am abandoning him to Mr Virgo once the new gals arrive. I agreed casually because gals can talk better. XH sulked.

From this matter, I realised that he has indeed developed a liking or rather an attachment to me during the last 5 days together. However, I am not sure if he likes me as a friend or in terms of BGR. Today, XH opened his gal's blogsite and her photos are inside. When I went over to his place, he just told me about the gal's photos and closed the entire website when I said I want to see. How irritating can he be? My jealousy overcame me. I told him in that case, I don't want to talk to you either. He seemed to be able to sense my unhappiness because the next time I went over his desk, he asked me: So you want to see the photos? I was puzzled then realized he meant that gal's photos.

He is making efforts to coax me back to our original relationship. It's weird but XH is afraid of me ignoring him... he wants me to accompany him everywhere. I understand that he dislikes being alone but clinging to me in such a manner is abit towards the extreme.

It is not easy to achive both chemistry and attraction factors. XH has scored 8/10 (Chemistry) & 7/10 (Attraction) = 15/20 (Total). We can practically talk about anything under the sun and overall he is a nice guy to hang out with. The interesting thing is when we are together, we are so natural especially him. He loves to show off his vulgurities infront of me and funny gestures such as burping, yawning and singing to get attention. Yeah, XH is just being himself but why chose to let me witness his true self? This part of him reminds me of Lunz.

He likes me, he likes me not. XH has not make a decision to give up or forget the MY gal so I am always the 3rd party. I really hate him for this indecisiveness and the uncertainty he brought into my life.